Caroline's Purpose Read online

  “Good to know.” Connor hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt. “So, I can ask?”

  Caroline nodded her head.

  “How have you changed?” Connor turned his back to her, bending down to pick up Luna’s foot.

  Caroline sighed. “I’m not the softball girl anymore. I’m trying to move on.”

  Connor set Luna’s hoof back down on the ground and turned to face her. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re allowed to do that.”

  Caroline pressed her lips together, studying him. “Why do you say that?”

  Connor cleared his throat. “I just mean you’ve dealt with a lot and you’ve lost a lot. I think it only makes sense to try to move on.”

  Her eyes shined with tears as she blinked, nodding her head in agreement.

  Connor moved to Luna’s back foot, cleaning out all the dirt. “Wanna get the other two, then start working on the trail course?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  Luna stood still while Caroline finished her hooves. Tossing the hoof pick back into the bucket, she came around to the filly’s head. Stroking her nose with one finger, she sniffed.

  “You okay?” Connor watched her as he spoke.

  “Trying to be.” Caroline looked out to the lot, eyeing the obstacles. “Think we should start with backing through the L today?”

  “Sounds like a plan to me. Do you want me to take her first?”

  “I’d like to, if that’s okay.” Caroline looked up at him, tears still brimming in her eyes.

  “Yeah, go for it.” Connor handed her the lead rope and followed them to the L-shaped chute.

  It was the least scary obstacle on the course, but one of the most challenging. They had to walk the horse through the L, then back them out without their feet stepping onto or over any of the poles. It was all about control and communication, two things Caroline made seem easy.

  Her timing was perfect as she used her hand on the rope and her body to tell Luna when to back up, and when to start making the turn. Luna’s ears flicked back and forth as she listened, moving her feet with care. As they cleared the end of the last pole, Caroline looked over to Connor, grinning from ear to ear.

  Connor grinned back, his own smile filling his face as he couldn’t help but wonder if he and Luna were the reason Caroline was starting to move on.

  And he couldn’t help but let that wonder turn into a sense of hope.

  Sixteen

  Caroline couldn’t stare at the walls any longer. Saturday had just started, but already she had finished her homework, done some laundry, and washed dishes. There was nothing else for her to do.

  Except argue with herself.

  She kept glancing at the phone in her hand, her fingers hovering over the screen as she went back and forth over whether or not to send the text.

  She had nothing to do. What would it hurt to ask Connor about coming over? He had said she could whenever she wanted to.

  But why would she go? What would they do if they didn’t have a project to work on?

  Caroline sighed. She couldn’t remember the last Saturday she didn’t have something going on. Between softball and horses, she had always been busy.

  She looked down at the barn from where she sat in her window seat, knees to her chest. Wrapping her arms around them, she laid her cheek against her knees. She could see her dad on the tractor, spreading manure across the back fields. Her mom was in the arena, setting jumps for her lessons that day. Everyone had something to do, a purpose.

  Everyone but her.

  As the familiar ache spoke up in her heart, her phone buzzed, alerting her of a text message. She opened it to find a picture from Connor.

  Connor, 8:03 AM: Nothing says Saturday like a new can of paint! What are you up to today?

  Her fingers typed her response before she let her head talk her out of it.

  8:04 AM: Nothing. Want some help painting?

  Caroline held her breath, staring at her phone as she waited for his response. She grinned as his message lit up her screen.

  Connor, 8:05 AM: Yeah! You remember how to get here?

  8:05 AM: I do! See you soon!

  Standing up from the window seat, she stretched before heading to her closet. She found an old, long-sleeve t-shirt and an old pair of jeans. She pulled her ponytail through a baseball cap and headed for the stairs. She took them one step at a time, texting her parents as she went to let them know she was leaving.

  Caroline grabbed her purse from the counter and reached for her keys from the rack by the cabinet, jumping as something vibrated beneath it. She looked down, seeing both of her parent’s phones lying there. Sighing at the sight of her own text, she turned away and headed for the door.

  She put her purse and keys into the front seat of her car and looked toward the barn again. A few horses and riders were now circling around her mom, warming up before they started jumping. Her dad was somewhere on the other side of the property, out of her sight.

  Caroline bit her lip, debating whether her text was enough, or if she should go tell her mom she was leaving. She pushed herself away from her car, knowing it would be hours before either of her parents checked their phones.

  It was a short walk to the arena fence, where she waited, arms crossed, for her mom to see her.

  “Now this time when you ask for the canter, make sure you open up your hip. If you close it, he can’t step up with his back leg, and the transition won’t be as smooth,” Holly instructed.

  Caroline’s eyes zoomed in on the horse and rider. The girl’s lips were pressed together as she focused, trying to make her body do the right things.

  Caroline could remember that kind of focus, the struggle to get everything in the right place at the right time. Timing was everything, in horses, and in softball.

  §

  Sweat trickled down her neck as Caroline reset her feet on the rubber. She lifted her eyes to her dad, who was sitting on a bucket at home plate, ready to catch her next pitch. They’d been at it for over an hour.

  Doug lifted his glove, asking for her fastball to cross the inside corner of the plate. She nodded her head, spun the ball around in her glove as she felt for the seams, and then started her motion. She used every inch of her strength to deliver the pitch, but her right elbow collided with her hip as she tried to snap her wrist. She bent over at the waist, from pain and frustration.

  “If you get your hips open and out of the way, that doesn’t happen.” Her dad chuckled. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” Caroline straightened as he tossed the ball back to her. “What was the speed on that one?”

  “Fifty-nine.” Holly stood behind Doug, radar gun in hand. Caroline’s goal for the day was to hit sixty.

  Caroline took a deep breath as she set her feet once again, refocusing on what she needed to do.

  “Get your hips open, so they can pop, and so everything can be on time.” Her dad encouraged her as he lifted his glove. He wanted the ball in the same spot as the previous pitch.

  Finding her grip, Caroline began her delivery. This time, she could tell from the moment her left foot touched the ground that her hips were in the right spot and that everything was on time. All of this was confirmed when the ball smacked into her dad’s glove in the exact location he wanted it, the sound echoing across their backyard.

  Caroline grinned as her dad turned to look at her mom. She turned the radar gun so he could read it. When he turned back to Caroline, his grin was as big as hers.

  “What was it?”

  “Sixty-two.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously.”

  Caroline jogged to them, wanting to see the radar gun for herself. Sure enough, the numbers showed that her pitch had traveled that fast.

  “Good job, honey.” Her mom smiled at her, but Caroline noticed that her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

  §

  “Caroline, honey, what’s wrong? Did you need something?” Holly called to her from the
arena, her eyes wide with surprise.

  Caroline blinked, the moisture in her eyes surprising her. She swallowed, clearing her throat of her tears. “I, uh, just wanted to tell you I’m leaving for a while. I should be back before dinner, though.”

  Caroline saw her mom’s shoulders relax. “Oh. When I saw you there, I thought…never mind.” She shook her head and tried to smile. “Hope you have a good time.” Holly waved as she turned back to her students. Walking away, Caroline ambled to her car.

  Her mom’s face stayed with her, forcing her to stop at her car door. She hadn’t been down to the arena or the barns in years. No wonder her mom had been surprised.

  But what was sticking out in her mind was the hope she had seen.

  Holding the handle, Caroline hesitated, looking back at her mom. Holly’s attention had returned to her students. Caroline bit her lip, as she fought with the pull in her heart to go back to the arena. To climb up to the top rail of the fence and sit down to watch, like she had so many times before. Like she hadn’t in so long.

  But Connor was expecting her. Opening her door, she climbed in, leaving a plume of dust as she pulled away.

  It wasn’t until she took the exit off the interstate to Sonoita that Caroline felt herself release the tension in her shoulders. She sighed and tried to enjoy the scenery around her.

  But her mind wouldn’t let her. She kept seeing her mom’s face, the hope from this morning, and the forced smile whenever it came to softball.

  Their relationship had changed after her accident, and it had never recovered. Caroline knew her mom loved her, and supported her, but she would always have to live with the disappointment and hurt she had caused her mom by not riding again.

  She would never forget the last time they had talked about horses. It had been a few months after the accident, a few weeks since her parents had shown her the for-sale ads in the barn. Caroline was in the kitchen working on homework, when her mom came in.

  “Hey, honey, can I show you a video?”

  Caroline nodded and pushed her homework aside. She glanced down at her mom’s phone, gulping as she saw the horse.

  The blood bay gelding was jumping, and it was easy to see how talented he was. And how much he loved his job. Caroline watched with some interest, but a knot formed in the center of her stomach.

  “He’s great, isn’t he?” her mom had asked as the video ended. “His name is Northern Tranquility. He’s only done a couple shows at training level, but he is super brave, and it won’t be hard for you to move him up the levels.”

  “Me?” Caroline had croaked out.

  “Oh. I guess I skipped that part. Yeah, we bought him for you.”

  The knot in her stomach turned over, changing from nerves to frustration. “I told you I didn’t want another horse.”

  “Caroline, you say that now, and I get it, but that’ll pass. He was too talented to let go.”

  “It’s not going to pass. I don’t want a horse.”

  Her mom’s tone had changed from pleading to angry. “Caroline, I can’t stand by and let you throw it all away. I wouldn’t be doing my job as your mother, as your teacher, if I let you give in to fear.”

  “It’s not fear, Mom!” Caroline stood up as her mom interrupted her.

  “Yes, it is! You had an awful wreck, and you’ve waited too long to get back on.”

  “I’ve waited too long? How do you suggest I could have sped up the process? Without a horse, and with being laid up in the hospital?” Caroline clenched her fists.

  “That’s why I bought this horse, Caroline. To get you back out there.” Holly’s lips pushed together into a straight line.

  “Can you just listen to me, please? I don’t want a horse and I don’t want to ride anymore! I’m done!” Caroline had screamed, then ran up the stairs before her tears, or her mom’s, had become visible.

  They hadn’t talked about horses or riding since.

  Caroline sighed, adjusting the air conditioning as she drove up the last hill before Connor’s road. She still felt guilty for yelling at her mom. She could’ve handled it better. Or she could’ve done something in the five years that had passed to make up for it. To fix it.

  Pulling into Connor’s driveway, something else occurred to her. A thought that had never crossed her mind before.

  She had never asked what happened to that horse.

  Seventeen

  Caroline did her best to clear her thoughts as she stepped out of her car. She stretched her arms over her head, taking in the fields dotted with horses. Blue came trotting over to greet her.

  Kneeling down, she scratched the old dog behind his ears. His eyes lit up and he licked her cheek.

  “How you doin’, bud?” His tail wagged, beating the ground with his reply.

  “He really likes you.” Connor walked up from behind her, two bottles of water in hand.

  Caroline gave Blue one last pat before she straightened, turning to Connor. “Well, I really like him, too.”

  Connor grinned. “Here, this is for you.” He handed her one of the water bottles. “Ready to get started?”

  “Sure. What are we painting?”

  “The stallion barn.” Connor began walking. “We’re getting ready for our annual open house in a couple of weeks.”

  Caroline tried to ignore the knot that formed in her stomach. You’ve been in the barn before. And you were fine. Just breathe. “Why do you do it in the fall?”

  “We’re so busy in the spring, with foaling out mares and breeding, we don’t really have time. Not to mention we don’t really want people all over the place when we’ve got brand-new babies on the ground. And it gives clients a chance to think about which stallion they want to breed to.”

  Caroline nodded her head. “Makes sense.”

  They walked into the barn, where a few cans of paint, brushes, and a stepladder were all set up.

  “I thought I could work on the trim, if you want to work on the walls and stall doors. Or vice versa, whichever you prefer.” Connor squatted down next to the cans, prying one open.

  Caroline nodded her head as she looked down the aisle. Most of the stallions were snoozing in the corners of their stalls. Jasper had his head over the door, looking at her. She smiled to herself, remembering how sweet he was from her last visit. She stepped over to him, her heart fluttering as he nickered at her.

  “He remembers you,” Connor commented as he walked up behind her.

  “Maybe.” Caroline lifted her hand to the gray stallion. He placed his nuzzle in her palm, blowing warm air through her fingers.

  “No maybes there.” Connor smiled as their eyes met.

  “Hey, Connor?” Boot heels clicked on the concrete of the barn aisle as both Connor and Caroline turned in the direction of the voice.

  Caroline could tell this was Connor’s mom. Her brown eyes, light brown hair, and smile reflected what Caroline saw in Connor. At her smile, Caroline couldn’t help but smile back.

  “You must be Caroline. It’s nice to meet you.” Before Caroline could speak, she pulled her into a hug.

  “Mom.” Connor cleared his throat as she let Caroline go.

  “What? You know I’m a hugger.”

  “You’re right, I do, but Caroline doesn’t.”

  “Right. I guess I should apologize.” She shrugged her shoulders. Connor rolled his eyes as Caroline laughed.

  “It’s alright, Mrs. Taylor. I’m a hugger, too.”

  “Well, good! You’ll fit right in around here, then. But please, call me Jessica.”

  Caroline nodded, a small smile across her lips.

  “Anyway, Connor, is it okay if I borrow you for a moment? I need to get some boxes down from the top shelf in the office in the breeding barn, and I can’t reach them.”

  “Of course.” Connor looked to Caroline. “Do you want to tag along, or stay here?”

  Jasper snorted at her, just as Connor asked. They all laughed. “I think I’ll stay here. Jasper seems to think he needs a bi
t more attention.”

  Connor grinned at her. “Alright, sounds good. I won’t be too long, okay?”

  “Okay, I’ll be fine.”

  Caroline turned her attention back to Jasper as Connor and his mom disappeared down the barn aisle. The sweet stallion nickered at her again, as if he was thanking her for staying.

  “You’re welcome, big guy,” she whispered. She stroked his nose, breathing in as she savored the soft velvet feel of his muzzle in her hand.

  Caroline closed her eyes, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks. Her heart ached for everything she had turned away from.

  And from the longing to find a way back.

  At a sudden crash from behind her, Caroline spun around with a gasp. The noise came from the last stall across the aisle.

  Caroline eyed the nameplate from where she stood. The Lighthouse. Images of the abused chestnut horse she had seen Connor’s dad unload from the trailer the last time she was there danced in front of her eyes. Her chest tightened as she tried to breathe. With everything that had happened with Ryan, she hadn’t remembered to ask Connor about him. But it was obvious Edison hadn’t improved much.

  With small steps, Caroline tiptoed away from Jasper’s stall, hoping for just a peek of Edison. He cowered in the back corner of his stall, pawing at the floor, his skin stretched taut over every rigid muscle in his body.

  Caroline stopped three feet from the door. She peered over it on her tiptoes, seeing his grain bucket smashed against the wall, bent almost in half from the dent in the middle of it.

  “Well, that wasn’t very smart, bud. What are you going to eat out of, now that you kicked your bucket?” Caroline muttered. Edison continued to paw.

  Even under the patches of dirt and loose, dull hair, and the knots in his mane and tail, it was easy to see how beautiful he was. The copper red of his coat was highlighted by the blond of his mane. The angles of his haunches and shoulders were perfect, and his muscles showed off his athletic structure.

  “No one here is going to hurt you. You have to know that by now.” Caroline took two steps closer to the stall. At the sound of her voice, Edison’s head snapped up and he froze, his eyes looking straight into hers.